is there such thing as a 1/4 century shock?
i mean.. its 1/4 of a f++king godd@mned century!!!
and i feel my thoughts run thru my body..
changing and crushing my bones and my flesh..
and my brain.. (constant headache..)
and im not the person i used to be..
whats weird is.. im not supposed to notice that..

i start to think we are both running away from something..
and we just need someone to run to..
thats about my gf and me..
but maybe its generally true..

oh.. and we are gonna live together soon..
or at least thats the plan..
sometimes it doesnt feel right..
after only 2 months..
i guess i just do it because its harder alone..

and im still not in a state what id call bein in love..

and ive got bday texts from my ex..
not that id care..
it was just a dream.. maybe it was only in my head..
and we all have to wake up eventually..
and you cant be in love with a dream..
i guess now i can say im over it..
of course i wont ever forget..
but let the dead care with the past..

lately im feeling like a 12 year old..
so many things i want to do, so many things i want to be..
and its kindda depressing..
i mean.. im a bit old to chose life, chose a way..
shoudve done that 10 years ago..
and anyways.. one life is just not enough..
one life is not enough..
i wish i couldve known that when i was a child..
so many things id have done differently..

the meaning is.. theres one life to live..
and i have to make choices, take the risks and move..
making the wrong choice is still better than stayin put and let life pass us by..
because now im 25, you are 19, 40, 52 or whatever..
but soon people will stand well dressed staring at a hole that will swallow what once was you.. or me..
and belive me.. thats not what we want..
oh.. and be a nice man.. then your choice cant be too bad..

im just sick of wasting my life, im sick of others wasting their..
not that its my problem (even if it has an effect on my life..)
but still..

oh..
and im sick of london..
moving to somewhere else as soon as i can find a decent flat..
starts with m..

sooo.. thats all i think..
a bit chaotic but what the hell..

and once again this post will contain randomness only...

first of all..
i feel like a moral zero..
i cant handle the fact that im with someone i do not love..
i like her.. alot.. and i really appreciate her support and im really glad shes there for me..
but its not what i used to have.
and i feel like a liar because i just like her and shes nuts about me..
and every time me ex is online (the only way i could talk to her except phone)
i still have me stomach in knots..

secondly..
ive decided to start playin bass again..
on me way home i was listening to some of me fav bands and i couldnt stop slapping the bass line on the stap of me bag..
the funny bit was where some ppl around me started to move to the rythm..
and mr freeman is still amazing..
(yes.. psychobilly and punk.. ive got a history.. lol. dont ask.. )

oh..
and i desperately need hols..
and me company is not too willing to pay..
just to make me days better..

ah well..