My Unsaid Everything

hehe.. this habit of mine is getting quite annoying.. (ie managing to post something only if i have a few drinks)
soooo yeah.. after a few pints im here again..

BUT!
for a change this post is going to be abssssolutely posi and upbeat and wonderfully inspiring coz i fell in love with humanity..

oh noes.. for those who didnt fall for the trick the guess was right, theres going to be lots of whining, insanity, randomness and just the usual making of no sense at all.. as usual..

ive managed to post a comment on almost all the posts posted since my last visit.. poor guys.. i just had to..
there was one i just couldnt comment..
not because there was nothing to say but coz i wouldnt be too happy about ppl reading it..
weird ehh?
anyways it was about a letter like ten times older than me..
(well not really.. not even 2x but still..)
whats weird i found it quite touching..
since my "dragons" to slay happen to be the ones ive sent to torture others..
and i wonder how many times will i have to regret things ive done years ago?
yes i was evil, i was mean, ive done things i couldve gone to court for but now it should be enough..
and the worst is the more things i remember and regret, the more feedback i get telling me i was right to do all those things..
last time it was this upper middle class guy with sugar coated background, finished all his schools with the best possible results, obeying all school rules, not saying a bad word about anyone (well at leas not in their face)
and he said he made the wrong choice and i made the right ones
i think the saying is true. whatever you do, whatever you have its just not good enough.. it can never be..

that made no sense..

anyways..
this week i was trying to sort out my unmanageable music collection..
well ive failed miserably..
hows that no matter how many times you rip a cd or what software you use there wil always be some with uneditable tags and annoying numbers in tags as "comments"?
and hows that some ppl seriously think they can write an algorytihm to rate tracks according to mood and tempo?
those things S-U-C-K! they may work on pop and electronic bulshit (no offence) but they have a way too wide error margin if it comes to songs with things like.. woahhh.. real instruments! (and anything to do with music really)
i admit the idea is great but.. ehh.. nevermind..

aaaaand to end the post with something positive..
i got signed to a team.. (its motorcycle racing and im a mechanic not a rider before you ask)
best thing to happen to me in years..
(sorry if i dont sound happy enough.. i really am.. its just the booze.. and my always-so-bad mood)
also ive decided to make a list of things i want to do before i die.. i have a few things already but im working on the rest..

thats all..
take care

oh s* *t.. a few drinks and im posting something here..
im afraid i can see a pattern emerging there..
on the bright side ive had like 3 views this month and like 10 in the last three..
and that means i can whine and put anything here..
(incidentally thats exactly the same as what i used to do when i actually had ppl read my posts.. but hey.. what the hell.. )
anyways.. what worries me is it seems like im unable to make an effort to make my life better as long as im not forced to do so..
i dont expect anyone to understand it.. [slightly disgusting metaphor got deleted.. i can pm it for the most curious..]
two. i do realize that making wrong choices and making a fool of myself and facing rejection and trying to get things what are way out of my reach is in no way going to worsen my already miserable and f* *ked up life but theres no f* *king way i could put myself in any situation that has the possibility for an ending described above..
and that annoys me to no end..
furhtermore im unable to figure out how far can i go to satisfy my own needs and reach my goals in life [if i have any really.. ] at the expense of caring for my family..
[a strange new urge im cursed with lately]

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable...

anyways..
i guess ive had enough to drink and i really should stop before im unable to type and make no sense at all..
see you next time i have quite a few pints..

hey hey im back..
fairly drunk of course..
as it happens alcohol is the best inspiration ever..
what is quite sad as i dont watn to end up like me dad..
i cant rely think of a good example.. but lets just try this..
i need inspiration.. or im dead.. like a ball..
play with it or kick it or throw it away doesnt matter.. just do something..
sad isnt it?
also ive found im ugly, repulsive & ive got no chance to score..
thats not news i know..
not for me at least..
its not even a surprise..
i dont even know why im so amazed by this revelation.. or wjatever..
its just funny all my mates are with oh so hot girls.. except me..
(tells simething about them bringin the girls.. showing off.. gits.. )
not that i care..
well.. most of the time i dont.. i hate humanity..
but right now i feel lonely and lost..
not that it counts..
or anyone would care..
ah well..
i better go to sleep..

(ps ive managet to put some of my not-totally-crap pics onlie.. link should be HERE
check if youre not bored to death already..)

oh yeah.. got my dirty little hands on some money..
so ive decided to take my sister to the pictures what ive promised her months ago..
sounds fun ehh?
yeah except for a small problem..
the unverse hates me, that is..
the car just fcking stopped halfway there..
she said she still had a good time..
even the getting-towed-back-home-at-2am bit was "funny"..
for me the night was ruined..
walk on the bright side?
think positive and good things will happen?
karmic energies?
bollocks..
bullshit..
the universe hates me..
end of..

(and to make things even worse ive nicked booze from my father and went to bed at dawn.. because i know how to make things right.. yay.. go me..)

so here i am, bored and broke on a fcking friday night when i should be out somewhere having the time of my life..
well annoyed..
thank god i had some hidden booze.. boy ill be sorry in the morning..
whats strange about this is when i was a teenager i knew nothing about hangover..
i could drink as much as i wanted and woke up with a smile in the bushes or in the middle of the footy pitch..
but now i can feel ill in the morning if i didnt even got drunk.. weird..
maybe i should change my drinking habits..

as for my plans for the future someone just managed to ruin them.. well not completely.. but once again theres sand in the mechanism..
the guy rang me today to ask about my employment status and plans for the future.. and just as if hed be talking about the weather mentioned hes gonna run a team next year and there might be a place for me.. as if it would be something unimportant.. well thanks alot..
thats the second quasi-offer i have for next year for an entire season including pre-season tests and some additional races.. fcking brilliant..
what is the problem?
well i had an offer like that for this season aswell.. thats why im no longer in london..
and thanks for the financial mess thats why im unemployed..
and ive just made up my mind and decided ill be back to london ASAP..
and now i wonder..
on one hand i have london and decent wages (IF i get a job)and loads of fun, on the other hand i have two offers for RACING (and theres nothing id love more) but significantly less money and no privare life (since they wouldnt pay enough yet so id have to have a part time job too)
and right now im sure whatever i do im gonna make the wrong choice and im gonna regret it..
(hey, thats something ive heard before.. how interesting..)

seems like theres nothing new in life.. its just the same fcking script again and again with different people playing different roles.. got a good script? well done good for you, now fck off and enjoy it elsewhere.. got a bad one? join the cub..
the interesting scripts are never for comedies anyways..
oh btw books..
i have to stop reading books and watching films.. i get carried away or i have to face the worst bits of my life..
both stops me actually doing something about it.. i mean my life..
but there are so many things to do, to try, to get, to go for and i dont want to be paralyzed ever again..

aaaaand i desperately need social life..
and some more booze..
its not my day..
fck it..

when i was a child life was so easy..
no matter what happened i knew theres an old guy called god sitting on one of the clouds taking care of me and everythings gonna be fine eventually..
now as i get to know more and more about the world and start to imagine the endless universe and the complexity of the subatomic world -even if i dont know too much about these things.. just reading random articles every now and then- im losing the last remaining bits of that childhood faith..
instead of finding peace in the thought of there being a god behind all those infinitely endless and complex things i cant help thinking we are all alone.. just a really bad joke of nature and all this god thing was invented to prevent us going absolutely nuts..
(and of couse to help some to handle others like flocks and herds..)
and theres nothing outside and only flesh, bones and blood inside..
and this is quite depressing.. makes me feel so unmeasurably small and hopelessly lost..
thing is im quite jelous when i see others with their beliefs and gods..
not because i dont have it.. its because they find peace and happiness in it..
and even if theres no god theyll never know.. and they are happy and looking forward some kind of afterlife and reward for their good deeds..
and i miss that terribly..
and its so unfair..

remember the cries from the film industry when the new x-men film appeared on filesharing sites?
well i do..
i do remember them complaining how much money theyll lose..
now on the opening weekend they made $85.1m......
in comparison the 2006 film made $122.9m, the 2003 $85.5m
AND the one released in 2000 made only $54.5m
im sure they already have a pretty good explanation..
i still wonder if piracy is not that damaging after all?

great.. almost 3am and im still awake.. i wish id have normal sleeping habits.. hehe..
sometimes it would be so much easier being normal..
being a freak really is tiring..

anyways..
i know im not a "blogger" type, im just not one of those who can fill pages of their diaries every night.. and honestly im all right with that..i just dont feel the need.. what i cant get is how come i can never write anything when i decide it is time to do so for purely recreational purposes..
its not that i cant think about anything since im simply unable to stop thinking and analyzing myslef and the world around.. maybe its just that i dont know where to start and how to put random thoughts in line to make it look like something thats got something in common with making sense.. (if that makes sense..)
but thats too easy to be a proper answer..

another strange thing is its impossible to think of an id without numbers to use as email..
you know that bit before the @..
gonna have to register somewhere so i need a new email.. why cant i use one of my already existing ones? i dont want another email.. it takes ages to check them all..
and if i get over that i still cant create a proper one just the likes of [something]75@ or [random word/name]92@ etc what is quite pathetic.. i think.. 'would suit you perfectly' i hear you say and to be honest there is a point..
but come on let the freaks have proper email at least especially when they are forced to get one..

also..
should try to post something when im in a good mood..
i wonder if its ever gonna happen..

take care..

its strange when you read something you wrote weeks/months/years ago..
i remember re-reading my... well.. poems.. [*blush* yeah.. i used to..]
it was like.. 6-8 years now.. i wrote them during high school i guess and when i found them years later there was just no way not reading them..
i ended up burning all but 2 of them..
because not remembering most of those years i dont know what i meant writing those words..
because they couldnt make me feel anything at all..
but thats not the case now when i got thru my prev. posts here..
funny how far i was from the truth about my own feelings..
to get to the point.. after having a long and really comfortable and serious relationship (including like 9 months of living together) im still infected with this feeling about a girl i dont have for years now.. i mean.. this is not how it shoud be.. i should moan about my latest ex.. i think..
and im quite distracted about it..

the other thing is i cant belive how much could i moan about shitty jobs and things i dont like in london..
its always like this.. im just unable to appreciate and enjoy things i have for a long time..
bein unemployed and not living in london for months now i really want to spit on myself..

now i have just way too much time to think.. all i do is watching dvds, taking long walks and making $h1tloads of pics.. it is dangerous.. well at least not good for my mental health.. hehe..

just another proof of me misusing blogs.. while others post about serious issues and life in general i just appear when theres something i can whine about and disappear when things arent that bad.. at least its just my online personality..
not that life is any better but at least i dont look sick..
im glad noone can read my mind..
i mean.. for f***s sake there are $h1tloads of ppl struggling with REAL problems having a really bad time.. i just cant help it..
i just cant be satisfied when things are nowhere near perfect and its driving me nuts..

sometimes im really ashamed of myself..

anyways.. over 2000 "Zeichen" or whatever now so ill stop..
take care..

[ps i (still) know im a nutter.. sorry.. at least it doesnt hurt..]

psps the reason why i put that title is because i forgot about it and i wasnt satisfied with "title-6numbernumbernumber" so its still me bein a nutter and there is NOTHING wrong with you if you cant see the point and the revelance of the title..

292 days since my last post..
feels weird.. like sand slipping away between my fingers.. i mean time..
what happened is for once again ive successfully f*ed up my life.. go me..
enough said..
i couldnt help re-reading some of my previous posts and honestly sometimes i feel ashamed of myself..
thing is i am not a moaner by nature.. at least i dont think i am. but thats exatly what i do most of the time.
at least here.
annoying.
or is it the nature of diaries? its either the juicy stuff or the whining?
(i mean its just a way to shout/whisper random stuff at the world.. not to publish my views on serious subjects..
for me.. therefore diary..)
so yeah.. i really have to stop this.. or at least do something else too..
not like i have that many positive things to say..
thing is i rarely ever show this depressed part of me in real life.
but maybe everyone needs to get rid of these things somehow..
and its just too easy to hide behind usernames and ip adresses and do it..
unlike facing the consequences of real life revelations..
silent confessions of lost faith, drinking problems, despair, and the feeling of not being quite enough..
maybe its just the backside of this "modern" world where you can look invincible and just being perfect or you get classed as a loser..
id hate to admit that since im quite proud of not giving a f* about the world as long as im convinced im doing the right thing.. so ill just stick to the idea of it being way too easy to resist..

also.. ive found out sometimes id love to have a switch in my mind what makes me able to think as a woman..
most recently when ive read that article about a woman offering s*x every day for a year for her husbands 40th bday.. i just dont get it.. help.......

aaaaaand another surprise (for me) is that i love making pics.. i know it sounds weird but i got my first camera last year and within months the picture collection reached unmanageable size.. even if i dont make silly party pics and things like that.. and i know exactly how bad these pics are i still cant make myself delete them because theres always something i do like about them..

anyways.. its late again..
goodnight..